October isn't even here yet and I'm already choking on apprehension.
The quartet premiers my composition for 'A Malaysian Affair', the Young KL Singers' big yearly concert. They have been absolutely wonderful about practicing and trying their best to get it sounding as good as they can for the last three weeks.
That's where the apprehensive sets in.
I feel like I'm letting them down by not being able to give them more help with vocal technique to sing it right because I don't know how to. I feel I've let them down by not writing a -better- song for them to sing, after listening to the rest of the solo acts. It intimidates the -heck- out of me, truth to be told. Listening to what everyone's done and the little voice in my head keeps whispering, 'Yours is so simple it doesn't hold up, it's not complicated or fantastically ear-catching like some of the other pieces by the rest.' Even though it took me months and three rewrites to finally come up with something that worked, that wouldn't totally defeat people with no music training to sing (it was originally for a whole choir, and I didn't want it to be too daunting. It isn't fair, not to people who genuinely have a musical ear but can't read notes, plus there are so many other songs.)
It requires spot-on pitch precision because it's acapella. It has a canon that has every means of going wrong if one of us loses the thread. Much breath control and technique needed to keep it light and lyrical, and it's demanding only because it requires so much -precision-.
The quartet's just been so good trying to put it together at such short notice. And I keep thinking that it's not good enough, that they deserve so much better, that I could have done SO much better with it. I'm supposed to be a classical musician.
My choir mistress gave me such an honour to compose for this event.
And I can't get rid of the nagging little whisper in my mind saying that I've let her down and everyone else.