Monday, April 25, 2016

NaPoWriMo 2016: Day 20 - Judgements

Because social media is almost always telling me what I need to look like, what I need to be, and that it's not cool to look my age - when the aging process is not only natural, it's inevitable, and because a long illness has been key in dictating how far I've been able to get back into shape.

Yeah. I'm a bitch. Deal with it.

#20: Judgements

oh you’re on such a long vacation he says she says
wow you’re so lucky
sooooo nice i wish i could do that soooo jealous lol
how come you get so much time off lol
you know you're small you should be much slimmer
exercise be mindful of stuff you eat you just lazy

you don’t know the half of it
eight fucking damn months
waking up each day with pain taking root
flowering from the base of the spine upwards
half the world silent from the invisible damper
thrown up by some unfortunate alignment
of ENT conditions that theoretically could be cured
by foreign antibodies ingested into my system
but which destroyed my life instead
praying every night that the ragged
thread of voice remaining in my throat
wouldn’t be the last notes i would ever sing
the body giving way to onslaughts doctors
theorised about but were powerless to stop
sense of balance gone
interior exterior physical mental emotional
the damages of which i struggle to repair to this day
and social media breezing off
about age and careful eating and mindful exercise and mind
over matter
as if i don't know it matters
as if i don’t know i look chunky bulky fat like a sow
as if i’m out of control when in reality
i eat more carefully than you think because eating wrong
means more punishment in pain
i will never be size 0 size 2 or any size fucking small
will never be and not for lack of trying

so don’t you lol jealous at me or judge my supposed size
bitch you have no idea how much pain it took
for me to get here
this enforced break so the body could heal completely
i doubt you ever want to know
and while i’m bitch i ain’t bitch enough
to wish that on you
even though some days i wish i could

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