Tuesday, April 09, 2013

No Shit Sherlock

It is now April of 2013.

One semi-unsuccessful U-Turn, a month of shows, one wedding, and three weeks of sickness later, I honestly just need to state for the record:

No, my shit ain't together.

Perhaps it's the constant illness, perhaps it's the foreboding feeling of constant stress and the ever-present 'When are we going to have extra rehearsals, competition's coming up soon, we need you to be there there there and here and there and there', or the 'Ok, when can you commit to this and you also need this and this and we need this and this and that from you, and can you do yet another audition panel for this and this and this and...'

Or, actually, all of the above.

I am tired. No, that's not really true. It's more of being mentally pounded into the ground to a point where I'm looking around me with deer-in-the-headlight eyes and going, '...I am trapped. Oh god I am trapped.' I chose this life and this career, and it's now become my biggest cage.

It isn't supposed to be that way.

It won't always be that way, I tell myself. It won't, and I can and will kick the crap out of this.

Right now though, I'm just incredibly exhausted. I don't want to be, and I loathe this draggy, lethargic, almost claustrophobic feeling. I want to be better, stronger. I haven't been able to workout for weeks because of the illness, and because at the moment my balance is shot, due to ear infection. Has been for three weeks actually.

This will end. This CAN end.

At the moment though? I want to crawl into a foxhole and howl miserably. But there's Life to be Done, so I'm getting off my ass to do it in a few minutes. Haikus for the Single Girl, I should have gotten that book when I saw it in Borders.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. No, actually, it's The Major vs. Cthulhu + the Kraken. There was a point in time when I could actually Irish dance to the music from the Kraken scene in Pirates of the Caribbean.

One foot and another foot moving later, I'll be able to do that again I think. One day. Right now - time for Life.

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